between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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