so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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