my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
