My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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