Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
