I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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