I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
