I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
