Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
