So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
