Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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