If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
