two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
