Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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