If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
