Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
