We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
