Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
