someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
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