Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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