apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
