morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
