Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
