Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Me too!
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
