I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
