I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
