cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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