I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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