Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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