What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
