She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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