My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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