Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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