Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
