Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
