Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
