I think im going to throw up on grandma
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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