Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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