i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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