I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
