Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
