Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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