he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
