My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
