My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
