Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
