I cockslap morals
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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