you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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