if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
