your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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