i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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