You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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