Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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